


Frankenstein and Birdbrain

by feralFUNK



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: M/M, Transformation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 04:50:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11616231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feralFUNK/pseuds/feralFUNK
Summary: Posting incomplete for posterity.  This is a "choose your own adventure fic" in that it's permanently abandoned and you get to imagine your very own end to the story  :(Phase 1 at Kong.  2D gets turned into a bird-monster-whatever and I guess its a metaphor for transgender dysphoria or something....????   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  Also very very slow-building 2doc relationship.





	1. Yarr, Matey

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I decided it was shitty of me to delete this fic just because I was unhappy with it. Creating it definitely helped me grow as a writer, and I know a lot of people enjoyed reading it. So, in retrospect it feels more appropriate to preserve this weird/silly/embarrassing artifact of my past, rather than trying to pretend it never existed.
> 
> I've still got no plans to write any more fanfic, but feel free to write your own ending for this fic if you want.
> 
> Eternally grateful for all the wonderful comments I got the first time around. Peace :)

Russel eyed the massive pillow fort with a mixture of annoyance and awe. Its construction had started an hour ago with a single couch cushion. With the addition of every readily available pillow, blanket, and chair in the building, it had rapidly metastasized across the entire living room and out into the hall. A spindly plastic Christmas tree, complete with glowing lights, was also incorporated. It was clear whose handiwork was whose – Noodle's half was a sturdy and well planned architectural achievement, whereas 2D's contribution could've been mistaken for a pile of dirty laundry. They could both be heard, but not seen, from somewhere deep within the labyrinth.

Russel stood on tiptoe and scanned the disarray. "Noods?"

"Halloo!"

He raised an eyebrow, unable to pinpoint where the reply had come from. "I'm goin' out for groceries. Come on outta there."

She objected in Japanese and remained hidden.

2D popped up like a gopher in the center of the fort, a folded newspaper adorning his head and a golf club in hand. "Can't she just stay here?"

"Yeah and who's gonna baby-sit? You?"

"Noodle ain't a baby, but sure, why not? I'm plenty mature enough to baby-sit."

"Said the guy wearing a newspaper hat, standing in the middle of a pillow fort."

"Pfft…shows how much you know. This ain't a fort, it's a cave. A pirate cave."

"Pirate cave!" Noodle parroted, adding a very buccaneerish growl for emphasis.

"Yer standin' in the lagoon," 2D advised. He squinted suspiciously and jabbed his golf club in Russel's direction. "That prob'ly makes you an enemy ship."

Russel huffed. "Noodle, get outta there!"

"N-no!" 2D ducked and disappeared for a moment before materializing at Russel's feet, removing his paper headgear as he stood. "I was only jokin', Russ. But really – we'd be alright by ourselves fer an hour or two."

Noodle appeared behind 2D and turned on a charming smile.

"Last time I left you guys alone in the house, you ended up with half an eyebrow between the two of you," Russel reminded them.

"I thought the Sharpie eyebrows were pretty convincin'." 2D giggled, ruffling Noodle's hair nostalgically. "You didn't even notice 'til Muds got pissy at me for glarin' at him…drew 'em on a bit too angry lookin', I guess."

Russel scowled impatiently.

2D shuffled his feet and conceded apologetically, "We won't do no barbecuin' this time."

Russel held his glare for another moment but began to melt under the laser beam focus of two sets of soulful eyes. He grumbled, "No cooking, period."

2D's face lit up and Noodle followed suit. "She don't hafta go, then?"

Russel sighed, reluctant to give a definitive answer just yet. "Nothin' involving fire – not even candles."

"Sure," 2D agreed eagerly.

"No animals – strays, road kill, whatever."

"Right."

"And stay outta the graveyard."

"Yup." 2D nodded, laying a hand on Russel's shoulder and nudging him gently towards the elevator.

Russel allowed 2D to guide him slowly but continued, "And the junkyard too. Pretty much just stay inside."

"No problem."

"Don't answer the door for anyone you don't recognize."

2D smiled, reaching for the down button and waiting expectantly. "Goes wifout sayin'.”

"I got my phone on me if you need anything. Number's on the fridge if you forget –"

"Sounds good," 2D assured him impatiently.

"Matane, Russel-sama," Noodle chirped, giving a friendly wave goodbye.

The elevator invited Russel forward with a chime. He took a deep breath and stepped across the threshold, then turned and glanced nervously back and forth between his younger band mates. He looked as apprehensive and guilt-ridden as if he was about to abandon two orphans to fend for themselves on the mean streets of Detroit. "I…I'll be back in a –"

"Don't forget the cheese nips," 2D advised lightheartedly, lunging forward to push the door close button and then swiftly ducking out of the way.

Russel leaned to get a view through the crack in the doors, his ghostly white eyes locked fearfully on Noodle, until finally the elevator closed with a soft click.

2D and Noodle listened with baited breath as the elevator whirred away, both of them half expecting Russel to return before it even reached the car park on the lower level. But a minute passed, and still they were alone in the large room. "Well," 2D beamed, "Well, I'm starvin'. Want some macaroni?"

"Hai," Noodle agreed enthusiastically.

"Pretty sure the microwave don't count as cookin'."

Noodle giggled and started to tug insistently at his shirt and arm.

2D stooped and inquired, "Wotcha want, Noods?"

She wrapped her hands across his face and clambered up over his shoulders as soon as he was low enough to reach.

"H-hey, wotch it – ah!" he objected, steadying himself with a hand against the wall as she got situated.

"Up!" she instructed, tugging at his ears.

"Awright, gimme a sec…" he mumbled sorely. He rose shakily, braced against the wall and groaning in exertion. "Gaw, Noods…anotha half a stone and we ain't gonna be doin' this no more, y'know that?"

She paid him no mind and swung her heels insistently against his chest. "Go – you go."

He obliged and snickered, "So I'm a horse?"

"Pirate ship," Noodle clarified.

"Ah – makes sense…more than a horse, anyways." 2D chuckled. "How d'ya like the view from the crow's nest?"

"Yarr," Noodle reminded him.

"Oh right, uh…how d'ya like the view…yarr, matey?"

Noodle seemed to ponder this, scanning the room through an imaginary telescope. She pointed confidently in the direction of the kitchen and proclaimed, "Macaroni, ahoy!"

x x x

Murdoc woke to an elbow in the face, followed soon afterwards by a knee to the gut.

"Fucking shit!" he proclaimed, greeting the day with typical enthusiasm.

He rolled away from the offending tangle of limbs, off the side of the bed, and onto the floor, landing with a nauseating splat in a puddle of something pungent and gelatinous.

"Aw no…" he groaned, reluctantly turning to get a look at the partially dried pile of vomit. He swore again and scrunched up his nose and stood gingerly, careful not to lay his hands in it any more than he already had. He scowled at the collection of bodies piled haphazardly atop the bed, ready to knock heads together once he found the guilty party…though likely as not, it was his own puke. He shook a few chunks from his arm and stepped backwards, deciding a towel was his priority at the moment. He tripped over something pasty and hairy, landing on his backside with a startled yelp.

"Wotch yer friggin' step, mate," the obstacle objected groggily, turning onto his side in his nest of empty bottles and cans, creating a symphony of clinks and rattles.

"A thousand pardons, my liege," Murdoc spat, giving the anonymous guest a sharp kick to his bare rump as he stood. He ignored the cries of protest and surveyed the remainder of his path to the bathroom. There were at least four more bodies of various ages and genders and stages of disrobement strewn across the floor, contorted into poses Murdoc might've found humorous had he not been so pissed off, so early in the morning…afternoon…whatever.

The Winnebago, the dimly lit den that housed this unsightly rabble, looked as if it had been decorated by a burst piñata – a piñata chocked full of booze, needles, cigarettes, vomit, used condoms, and slutty clothing. The air was palpably heavy with smoke and sweat, and the omnipresent aroma was…unique. There was a new stain smeared across the nearest wall – a troublingly large splatter of blood. Murdoc gave his body a quick once-over to check that it wasn't his own. A belch, thunderous like the low growl of some degenerate dragon, emanated from somewhere out of sight down the hallway.

The bassist felt a pang of something that rarely crossed his mind – disgust. He shrugged it off, determined to wipe himself down, crawl back into bed, give it a few more hours, and start the day over again…that is, once he'd rid himself of this irritating infestation. He spied a megaphone within arms reach and grinned mischievously. He cleared his throat and began, "Attention sluts, perverts, junkies, and miscellaneous miscreants…"

The man at his feet cringed and clapped his hands over his ears. Several of the other guests yowled curses, others outright screamed in alarm. Most of them jolted upright or curled up defensively, but one or two were completely unresponsive, dead to the world.

"There was a time in hours past when I considered you all welcome additions to the delightfully lecherous scenery," Murdoc continued. "As of now, though, that time period has officially reached its end."

"…the fuck is he goin' on about?" a voice questioned quietly.

"In other words: SCRAM, TRESPASSERS!" Murdoc screeched, loud enough to overload the megaphone, sending a painful mechanical squeal slicing through the foggy atmosphere.

"Christ – get bent!"

"Yeah, wot she said!"

The pudgy man at Murdoc’s feet whimpered. "This ain't no way to treat a guest first thing in the morning.”

Murdoc lowered the megaphone and questioned with an amiable smile, "Wot's yer name, mate?"

"Larry."

"Well, Larry…pardon my sayin' so….” Murdoc leaned low and shoved the megaphone flush to Larry’s ear. “…but yer awfully sanctimonious for a man wearin' his own tighty whities as a hat!”

Larry gave an enraged howl and lunged for the megaphone, wrestling Murdoc for it. Murdoc made short work of Larry and gave him a firm whack over the head. "Alright you lot, I'll make this nice and simple…" Murdoc announced defiantly. "You can all leave peacefully right now, or you can stick around 'til the fuzz arrive and find yourselves forcibly removed!"

"Aw lighten up, buttercup," a leatherfaced woman snorted, taking a drag on her cigarette and exhaling through the tracheotomy hole at the base of her neck.

The others gave nods and grunts of agreement. A lithe young woman dangled sensuously off the side of the bed and invited sleepily, "Come back to bed, Mudsy." She grimaced at the smell of the vomit below but quickly regained her composure and plastered a pleasantly vacant expression across her face.

Murdoc seemed to consider the proposal for half a second, then a bit of bile dripped from his fingertips and he grumbled, "Tempting offer, luv, but…" He held up his arm. "…I place a vomit bath pretty near the top of my short list of irrevocable boner kills."

She snorted and waved him away dismissively, turning to wrap her arms around the willing partner lounging next to her.

Murdoc raised the megaphone to begin again but yelped when a half-empty beer can collided with his head, drenching him. He gnashed his teeth and frantically scanned the room for the aggressor, but no one stood out as looking especially guilt-ridden. In fact, most all of them seemed to get quite a kick out of his distress. He straightened and took a long, shaky breath. "Right," he growled, wiping his face with as much dignity as he could scrape together. He turned slowly and set the megaphone down. "One sec."

He tiptoed politely around the inhabitants of the garbage heap that was the floor and disappeared into the other room. Everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief and settled back into their comfortably groggy delirium.

There were a few frustrated grunts and clashes and then a satisfied chuckle, and then suddenly Murdoc was upon them again, armed with a taser crackling electric blue. He lunged for the nearest body with a jovial cackle and the practiced form of an expert swordsman.

His unfortunate victim flopped around on the floor like a beached whale, giving a few choking grunts as the other guests looked on in horror.

"There," Murdoc smirked. "Anyone else want in on that? 'Cause I'd be happy to oblige," he offered, brandishing his weapon. "C'mon now, form an orderly line – single file, don't be shy."

x x x

2D cocked his head in confusion. "That look right to you?" He held the cup of instant macaroni up to Noodle, still perched atop his shoulders.

She squawked in disgust and shook her head emphatically.

"Yeah, I didn't 'fink so." 2D agreed, sighing in frustration. "I wish Russ would quit changin' up the brand on me." He squinted at the instructions for a while and then finally concluded, "Oh, I guess yer supposedta stir it up then put it back in fer anotha minute."

Noodle shrugged absentmindedly and sneakily slipped another scrunchie around a lock of 2D's hair, bumping the ponytail count up to five.

He stirred both cups and set them in the microwave.

"Iie!" Noodle yelped, lurching forward to grab his wrist before he could start the machine.

"Oooh right," he nodded, removing the silverware from the microwave. "Nice save, Noods."

Noodle shook her head and snorted.

x x x

"Much better," Murdoc chuckled, toweling himself off after ten seconds spent beneath a calcium-encrusted showerhead. He felt rather accomplished; it was the most thorough cleansing he'd subjected himself to in the past two weeks. He continued cheerily, "Alone at last…"

His smile faded when he dropped the towel from his face and got a look at the state of his residence with fresh eyes. "Ah," he commented. "Prob'ly shoulda kept a couple whores around for a cleanup crew."

He wrapped the towel around his waist and hummed in concentration as he plotted a course back to the bed, wading tentatively through the sea of wrappers and bottles and cans. His toe connected with something sharp and he shrank back with a displeased hiss. "Where're my boots?" he questioned, spying them soon enough along with the rest of his hastily discarded clothing. He skipped the underwear and tugged the jeans on, then cautiously sniffed the shirt. It passed the test – the stench didn't quite knock him flat on his back. He donned the shirt, then the boots, then crunched the rest of the way back to the bed.

He sprang over the puddle of partially digested food and landed atop the blankets with a tired grunt. Murdoc noted that he was sharing the bed with several undergarments left unclaimed during the frantic exodus from the Winnie. "Souvenirs," he snickered. "Score." He stuffed one of the prettier items – a pair of black lace panties – into his pocket. Then he tossed around for a few moments before settling into a relatively comfortable position and clamping his eyes shut, proceeding with the plan to push the reset button on the day.

He shifted onto his stomach, then his back, then finally, fifteen restless minutes later, he growled and sat up. "I knew the shower was a mistake," he sighed, dragging a hand through his hair. He turned and squinted reluctantly at the alarm clock. It read 1:45. "Fine," he grumbled. "Early bird gets the worm, I guess."

He prodded at a bit of food stuck between his teeth and mused, "Wot's the worm for today, then?"

The ungodly mess silently asserted itself as the elephant in the room.

"Pfft…fuck that. Wot else?"

He scanned the area for implements of procrastination and landed on a tattered book jammed sloppily between the mattress and the wall. "Ah, so that's where that got off to," he chuckled. He laid back onto the bed and thumbed lazily through the musty pages.

x x x

"C'mon Noodle, now yer just spillin' it on purpose," 2D objected, picking another glob of macaroni from his forehead.

Noodle giggled delightedly and overturned the whole cup.

"Agh wot the – ya got it in my friggin' eyes, ya little blighter!"

The guitarist whooped with laughter and bent awkwardly to lick a bit of cheese sauce off 2D's temple.

2D ducked and waved his hands around frantically, spilling half his own macaroni. "Gyaah, c'mon! I mean it! J-just get down, awright? Yer too heavy to carry around much longer anyways."

Noodle just gave another whoop and locked her arms and legs around 2D's head like a vice.

2D squealed in distress and tugged fruitlessly at her hands and feet. "Flippin' hell, 's like one of those face huggin' monsters from that scary spaceship movie."

Noodle held fast, gripping him tighter the harder he struggled.

Finally he calmed himself and stood impatiently tapping his foot, arms crossed. "Right, well…you just gonna stay up there all day, then?"

"Hai."

"Well…" he repeated uncertainly. "Awright then. Don't make no difference to me."

She didn't budge.

"Frick…I thought the reverse psychopathy 'fing always worked," he muttered quietly. He straightened and announced, "Suit yerself. But if ya 'fink I'm goin' easy on ya now, you got anotha 'fing comin'." With that, he took off at a brisk pace for the bathroom to get cleaned up. Noodle chuckled darkly, egging him on. He kicked his pace up to a jog and sneered, "How ya doin' up there?"

"More fast," Noodle dared.

"Ooh so that's how it's gonna be, is it?" 2D snorted, more amused than annoyed anymore. "Yer on." Now he was practically sprinting. Noodle gripped his ponytails like reigns. They both knew they must've been a ridiculous sight to behold and the thought delighted them both, driving them to fits of boisterous laughter. 2D had a faint idea that perhaps what they were doing wasn't exactly one hundred percent safe, but for the life of him he couldn't think of a specific reason why. So he shrugged off his doubt and charged ahead at top speed.

Then suddenly his broad grin dropped when he heard a sickening clunk and seconds later felt himself pulled off balance. His reflexes were luckily more on-point than his battered wits, and he managed to catch hold of Noodle's ankles before she slipped backward off his shoulders. He glanced worriedly over his shoulder while his brain worked hard to catch up with the present. "N-Noods?"

No response. No movement.

His breath caught in his throat. He ducked and spun Noodle's legs over his head like a tango partner, so that she was in front of him though still upside-down and dangling limply like her namesake. He let go of one of her legs and brought his free arm up under her neck, then set her on the carpet as gently as he could manage. He shook her shoulder and called pleadingly, "Noodle? H-hey, Noods…?"

Her eyes rolled almost imperceptibly beneath closed lids but otherwise she gave no signs of life.

Cursing under his breath and tight in the grip of panic, 2D surveyed the damage, brushing Noodle's hair from her face. He yelped and yanked his hand away. There was blood trickling from just beneath her hairline, and an angry red mark stamped into her forehead, so obviously outlining the filigree of the doorframe that it might've been funny in a less dire situation.

"Aw jeez…shit…" 2D muttered, wracking his brain for the proper course of action. Then he recalled Russel's parting words and jolted upright, fishing for his phone. "C'mon, c'mon!" he hissed, coming up empty from all four pockets. He pulled at his hair, growling exasperatedly.

"Landline," he mumbled quietly, almost as an order to himself. He perked up and stepped back, waving his hands frantically at Noodle. "I-I'll be right back. Stay there. It'll be awright."

"It'll be awright," he repeated to himself as he made a mad dash for the living room, struggling to keep his gangly legs in line and destroying half the pirate cave in his charge toward the far wall. He leaned clumsily over an immovable blockade of pillows and stretched for the phone with a strained groan. Several attempts later at both Russel's number and 999, and he couldn't get so much as a dial tone. "Fuck!" he snapped, slamming the phone back onto the receiver and pushing away from the wall. He scrambled over the mess, vaulted the couch, and bounded out the door.

"Help! Hey Murdoc, help!" 2D hollered, voice cracking between labored breaths as he made his way across the car park. He didn't bother to slow down much as he neared the Winnebago and simply let his body crash into the side of it, immediately setting to banging hard with his fists while yowling like a stray cat, "Hey Muds, ya gotta help! Wake up an' get out 'ere!" When no answer came he added with a flicker of caution, "Ya stinky broke-nosed bastard!"

2D paused long enough to hear Murdoc's voice issuing forth from the behemoth, but strangely it didn't seem to be in answer to him. In fact, the words didn't sound like English.

"Wot the – Yer not even listenin', ya bloody wanker!" 2D squawked indignantly.

He reached for the door then hesitated and withdrew his hand shakily. Murdoc's icy warning sliced through his brain. Sure, you can go in the Winnie. Just be advised that immediately afterwards you shall be treated to a plate of delightful hors-d'oeuvres consisting of your own fingers, toes, and testicles – all of them having been severed slowly and methodically with a rusty butter knife.

2D gave an involuntary shiver. But he remembered what Noodle had looked like laying unconscious on the floor, and he forced himself to steel his nerves. He took a deep breath and nervously gripped the door of the Winnebago, then pulled it open and leapt over the steps and into the vehicle.

He briefly caught sight of Murdoc as he entered. The demon bassist was kneeling next to an open book on the floor directly beneath 2D's feet, reciting an incantation over a complicated design drawn in chalk on the threadbare carpet. 2D didn't really process this sight. He started to repeat his plea for help, but was interrupted when he felt his feet blown off the floor almost as soon as they touched down. He yelped, confused. Murdoc hadn't pushed him. It had felt more like getting knocked over by a really big gust of wind, or an explosion. And there had been a blinding flash of light.

Murdoc blinked dazedly, slumped against the interior wall as his corneas struggled to regroup. Then he shakily stood and gripped the doorway, white-knuckled and furious but honestly rather impressed at the distance 2D had flown from the Winnebago. He was laying face-up on the ground nearly five meters away, every joint contorted to a comical extreme like a discarded marionette. Murdoc gave a satisfied grunt, assuming 2D had been knocked unconscious, but then the boy twitched and tried to lift his head. Murdoc growled like a predator and bounded towards the crumpled singer. 2D was muttering something unintelligible with one finger pointed limply towards the ceiling. Murdoc grabbed his shoulders and pulled him half upright, clunking their foreheads together. "Nice hair, dullard," he greeted with a demented grin.

2D whimpered and woozily cracked one eye open.

"I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but you have genuinely piqued my curiosity. What is so world-shaking that it couldn't have waited literally two more seconds?!"

"N-N…d…" 2D stuttered, clinging to consciousness.

"I swear to Satan, if that was meant to be never mind it'll be the last words you'll ever mispronounce," Murdoc decreed almost cheerfully, as if he would gleefully revel in any excuse to administer a beating.

"Noods hurt…" 2D breathed, then he became deadweight in Murdoc's hands.

"Wha –?" Murdoc gasped. He glowered and barked, "Why didn't ya fuckin' specify that in the first place?! You – you –"

He gave up trying to formulate a flowery insult when he realized 2D wasn't alert enough to appreciate it. He dropped the singer and dashed off to try to find Noodle.


	2. Walking Disaster Area

"Up and at 'em, Dentface!"

2D was pulled roughly to his feet and shaken mercilessly. He could think of nicer ways to be stirred from a dreamless slumber. He hesitantly found his footing and attempted to support a bit of his own weight, leaning heavily against the body in front of him. Then he was shoved backward and slapped fiercely. The blow rattled across his cheekbones through to the back of his skull and he cried out in agony at the stab of pain he felt there. He reached for his head and muttered sorely, "Wot the hell was that for?"

Murdoc gave 2D's cheek another whack, less brutal this time. "How many fingers?"

2D groaned unenthusiastically and sucked in a lungful of air, gritting his teeth through the waves of pain surging up his neck and across his scalp. He squinted groggily at the wiry digits shoved too close to his nose to bring them properly into focus and answered uncertainly, "Tw…t-three…"

Murdoc gave a grunt of approval and jerked 2D forward almost before he finished answering.

2D followed reluctantly, stumbling over feet that felt like lead bricks, hunched over feebly with one hand held out for balance and the other laced through his hair. His fingers caught on something and he tugged at it. He gazed in bewilderment at the hair-tie then felt his head again and found several more. A large splotch of something sticky and yellowish was caked across the front of his shirt. He wished he could recall the reason behind these unique fashion choices but it evaded him – more questions to add to the pile. "M-Muds, wot the… Wot happened? Where're we goin'?"

Murdoc refused to slow to accommodate 2D and gave his collar a firm yank when he failed to keep up. "Shut yer trap and pick up the pace!" They approached the Geep and Murdoc flung the door open and hoisted 2D up onto the seat as if he weighed nothing at all.

2D yelped and snatched his hand out of the way just as Murdoc slammed the door shut.

Murdoc hopped into the driver's seat looking quite flustered, fumbling with the keys then jamming them into the ignition with a frustrated hiss. He instructed loudly as the engine roared to life, "Hold her head – don't let her slide around."

2D furrowed his brow and finally took note of the body sharing the back seat with him – Noodle, supine and unbuckled, motionless and serene. Blood was caked over half her swollen forehead, glistening slick in her black hair. The memories came flooding back and 2D suddenly felt as if a piano had been dropped on his head. He gasped and slid the child onto his lap, stammering in panic, "Noodle! Oh god I-I – Jesus Christ, lookit all the blood!"

"Care to fill me in?" Murdoc growled over his shoulder, lurching out of the parking space then turning to slam the accelerator to the floor.

2D cradled Noodle protectively in his twiggy arms and answered distractedly, "W-wot?"

"How'd my guitarist end up with a bump on her head wot looks like somethin' outta Looney Toons?!" Murdoc restated, glaring daggers at 2D in the rearview mirror.

2D felt his nerve begin to crumble under a mountainous weight of guilt. "It…it was my fault," he groaned miserably, hesitantly pressing his palm against Noodle's bloodied scalp.

"You don't say?" Murdoc huffed impatiently. "Let's hear it, shit fer brains, wot'd ya do this time?"

2D licked his lips dryly, staring dumbly at his seatmate and attempting to process Murdoc's inquiry over the sound of his own hammering heartbeat.

"Well?!" Murdoc demanded as they burst out of the car park and into the harsh late-winter sunlight.

"I-I…" 2D floundered, shaking his head nervously and squeezing Noodle's shoulder. He blinked and swallowed hard, and finally managed to string together a coherent sentence and force it past his lips. "Russ let me baby-sit."

"Ah, well, 'nough said, eh?" Murdoc seethed, squeezing the life out of the steering wheel. "Dunno who I oughtta asphyxiate first – you or lards."

"It was an accident!" 2D whined, as much to convince himself as to reassure Murdoc.

"Yeah, I'm sure Noodle feels a lot better knowin' that," Murdoc spat, drifting wildly around the last bend in the spiral dirt road and towards the front gate. "Where has our esteemed drummer run off to, anyhow?"

"Grocery shoppin'."

"Pfft…figures…"

The moment they exited the property, a light sleet started to patter against the Geep.

Murdoc gave a dry laugh and shouted to the sky, "Agh! Aaaw perfect timing, Mother Nature, ya whore-faced cu–"

"MUDS!" 2D reprimanded, covering Noodle's ears.

"She's unconscious, Dentface," Murdoc scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Nothin' she ain't heard a hundred times before, anyhow."

2D frowned and shielded Noodle as best he could from the sleet. He dared to peek beneath the hand damming the flow of blood and noted with some relief that it had slowed to more of an ooze than a geyser. He soaked the hem of his sleeve in his mouth and brought it up to wipe away the dried blood.

Noodle's mouth twitched into a slight frown and her eyebrows knitted together.

2D gasped and smiled hesitantly, calling softly, "Noodle? Can ya hear me?"

She mumbled a few incoherent, barely audible syllables. 2D leaned his ear close and waited for more but after those few small squeaks that might've been either gibberish or Japanese, there was nothing but shallow breathing.

"C'mon, Noods," 2D encouraged desperately, wiping the last of the blood from her eyebrow and giving her a gentle shake. "Please – please, wake up…"

Murdoc glanced over his shoulder, skeptical but curious.

Noodle gave no further hints of consciousness and 2D sighed despondently, looking to Murdoc for comfort despite suspecting there was none to be found there. "Is she gonna be awright?" he called over the rush of the wind zipping through his hair, squinting against the sleet.

"Do I look like a doctor to you?" Murdoc answered, gruff and glowering to hide the fact that 2D's question scared him shitless. "All I know is, she better be right as rain this time tomorrow or we'll be down one guitarist and one blue-haired walkin' disaster area – and you can take that to the bank!"

The threat barely registered through the buzz of 2D's anxiety. A bug splattered against his teeth and he spit and hacked in disgust. He glanced around at the landscape and found he didn't recognize it – Murdoc was taking some sort of shortcut via the winding roads on the outskirts of town. "Where're we goin'?"

"Hospital," Murdoc snorted. "Where'd ya figure – Disneyland?" He veered halfway off the road and slammed his palm against the horn as they came up behind a freight truck swaying lazily between both lanes. "Forgot yer mornin' pick me up, mate?!" Murdoc barked as he pulled up alongside the semi. "Get off the fuckin' road, arsehead!"

The truck driver frowned and sent an unfriendly gesture Murdoc's way.

Murdoc was only too happy to return it, taking both hands from the wheel for a moment to double the effect.

The truck was the first sign of traffic they'd encountered, thanks to Murdoc's savvy choice of route and a bit of luck in having just managed to beat the end of school rush. Even as they drew near to the heart of the town, Murdoc had only a handful of cars to contend with and a mercifully sparse dotting of pedestrians due to the dreary weather. He still managed to piss off every driver in the vicinity, though, and their path through the city could've been traced by a blind man on account of the constant barrage of horns and Murdoc's foulmouthed retorts.

2D had forgotten to blink since the utterance of the word hospital. Dread took hold of his stomach and twisted hard, and suddenly he remembered Noodle wasn't the only one injured that morning. Right on cue, the last of his adrenaline ran dry and pain settled heavily across his shoulders, sapping the strength from his spine and the breath from his lungs. He winced and sagged forward as the back of his head and his left hip and shoulder started to throb in time with his heartbeat. He felt as if he might puke – the constant jostle of the Geep didn't help – but the crisp air cooled his lungs and quieted his stomach just enough to keep him from drenching Noodle with his lunch.

He closed his eyes and breathed deep through his nose, and finally took a moment to try to piece together a complete picture of the events leading up to the current state of affairs. There was Russel, Noodle, blood, the Winnie, Murdoc…an otherworldly light and an explosive force…pain…and again, Murdoc. He squinted suspiciously at the bassist. "Murdoc…wot were you messin' wif on the – HOLY SHIT look out!"

Murdoc swerved sharply around an absentminded jaywalker. Both of the Geep's passenger side wheels left the ground for a moment.

2D declared, "Yer gonna kill us 'fore we get anywhere near the hospital!"

"Oh, how deliciously ironic!" Murdoc scoffed, apparently taking 2D's assessment as a dare and driving all the more recklessly, making liberal use of medians and sidewalks, and thanking Satan for the Geep's gratuitous horsepower and monstrous tires.

2D glanced back to get a look at the person they'd very nearly killed and saw him clutch his chest and fall to his knees in the middle of the street. 2D gasped, and then gasped again when a police siren sounded from just out of sight. Within seconds, a cruiser was hot on their tail. 2D was frankly shocked it had taken them so long to show up.

"Big Bad Mudsy's in no mood to play, little pig," Murdoc sneered, egging another few RPMs out of the overtaxed engine. "Seatbelts, Dents," he advised.

He didn't have to ask twice. 2D buckled his seatbelt around both himself and Noodle, and for good measure he strapped Noodle's legs in with the center seatbelt. He held tight to the car frame with one hand and clutched Noodle close to his chest with the other, burying his cheek against hers and clamping his eyes shut. He felt the Geep clamber up over a median and then across several dozen meters worth of unpaved ground, and then jerk around in such a frantic zigzag that he lost all sense of direction. He decided that if he made it out of this alive, he'd never get into a car with Murdoc again. In fact he questioned his sanity for having agreed to it this time, considering his past experiences with the crazed demon at the wheel.

There was a great uproar of car horns and frantic shouts and squealing tires, and then the sound of metal crunching on metal. The police siren died with a sickly wail.

Murdoc gave a victorious cackle and waved his middle finger high. It was beginning to cramp from the vigorous workout it'd been subjected to over the course of the afternoon.

2D found himself compelled to take a peek at the scene they'd left behind them, and then he wished he hadn't looked. There were several cars stacked into something resembling a teepee formation, the police cruiser smashed and flaming in the center of it all. They were already much too far away to tell if anyone had been seriously hurt. "Jesus…" 2D muttered in awe, fighting back the urge to vomit out of sheer anxiety. The nausea reminded him of his injuries and the question that'd been gnawing at the back of his mind for some time now. He took several deep breaths to try to calm his fluttering heart and stomach, and then backtracked with determined grit in his voice, "Murdoc, wot were ya doin' in the Winnie?"

"Eh?" Murdoc answered distractedly, weaving expertly through another intersection, leaving more chaos in his wake.

"On the floor!" 2D pressed agitatedly. "Wif the drawing and the book and the gibberish talkin'!"

"It don't concern you," Murdoc answered automatically. He figured the airhead would simply forget the question if he evaded answering long enough.

2D was wise to Murdoc's tactic – he'd used it one too many times in the past. He continued, scowling in irritation, "It does too concern me. It knocked me over hard, wotever it was. I stepped on it and it blew up! It was like…like BOOM, wifout the boom sound. You buildin' bombs now?"

"No I'm not buildin' – gah, it was just a friggin' spell, alright? A spell you ruined with yer goddamn freak-show clown feet."

2D paled and bit his lip – he almost wished it had been a bomb. "Wot," he mumbled apprehensively, "more of yer Satan-demon shit?"

"Yes," Murdoc confirmed, voice dripping with spite and sarcasm, "more of my Satan-demon shit – if that's wotcha wanna call a devout man's religion."

"So…" 2D gulped and tugged at his collar, suddenly quite hot as visions of fire and brimstone danced through his head. "Is it gonna hurt me? The spell? Can it kill me o-or…or somefin' worse?"

Murdoc chuckled darkly. "Hope springs eternal…"

"I mean it, Murdoc! I'm not gonna turn into a werewolf or somefin', right?"

"Ugh!" Murdoc squawked, sincerely shocked and wounded. "You're serious – that's really wotcha picture when ya think of this, ain't it?" the Satanist growled, holding up his inverted cross pendant and waving it zealously. "Werewolves and headless horsemen, and that nimrod from the Matrix runnin' 'round harassin' innocent demons!"

"Awright, awright, I'm sorry, but –"

"How's Noodle?" Murdoc demanded, baring his teeth and staring straight ahead, too upset by the previous line of conversation to carry on with it whilst attempting to navigate at speeds that'd put him in the running for the Indy 500.

2D glanced down at the guitarist cradled in his lap. He felt a bit guilty – in all honesty he'd nearly forgotten about her for the past few minutes. He brushed the sleet from her hair and laid a hand over her chest. He felt a dull heartbeat and the rise and fall of a breath, so he checked the temperature of her forehead with the back of his hand. Her split scalp had bled a bit more but not a frightening amount, and her temperature didn't seem too extreme. It was difficult to gauge with any certainty, though, considering he was also running hot. "She's awright, I 'fink…" 2D reported unenthusiastically. "I-I mean…she's alive, anyhow. Feels like she's shiverin' a little, though."

Murdoc growled low in his throat and ground his teeth together so hard it cramped his jaw.

2D took note of the bassist's raised hackles and held his tongue for as long as he could stand it. Finally he mumbled, "So am I gonna be –"

"You are sickeningly self-centered! Y'know that, faceache?"

2D flung his head back and cried out with his eyes scrunched shut in exasperation, "Christ, Muds – would it kill ya to gimme a straight answer? I got enough problems right now wifout havin' to worry 'bout my soul and red guys wif horns and pitchforks and shit!"

"Augh, you are begging for a swift and righteous lesson in the etiquette of religious tolerance, arsewipe!" Murdoc threatened. He saw 2D inhale in preparation for yet another grating inquiry and nipped it in the bud with a vicious snarl, "Fuckin' drop it already! Yer fine, much as it pains me to say. If anything weird was gonna happen, it's a safe bet you woulda noticed somethin' by now."

"Thank you," 2D snorted, adding under his breath, "flippin' hell, why's it gotta be like pullin' teeth wif you every friggin' time…"

"Excuse me?!" Murdoc scoffed incredulously, turning to give 2D the full effect of his murderous gaze.

"Wotch the road!" 2D howled, eyes wide with terror and locked unblinkingly on a lamppost blocking their path not five meters ahead.

Murdoc whipped his head around and jerked the steering wheel sharply 180 degrees and then back the other direction. The Geep settled precariously back onto all four tires, groaning and squeaking in protest, and then finally the hospital came into view several streets ahead.

2D clutched Noodle tight and rattled off the names of every deity he could think of – Murdoc's dark master included – in a frantically mumbled plea to make it those last few blocks in one piece. Noodle was definitely shivering now, and 2D prayed that it was because of the weather and not an indication of shock or seizure. He wished he had more body heat to share with her but if anything he was shivering harder – the sleet had soaked through half his shirt.

Murdoc kept his eyes on the road but freed one hand from steering to reach blindly for 2D. He yanked him forward by the front of his shirt and flashed him half a second of terribly intimidating eye contact, snarling, "Listen here, sunbeam. Not one word – not a friggin' peep – about the spell; to the doctors or Russ or anyone. Not unless ya fancy goin' by Three Dents from now on. Comprende?"

"B-but wot'll I say if they ask –"

"The fuck do I care?" Murdoc grunted, shoving 2D back and releasing him. "Tell 'em ya trod on an oil slick in the car park – knocked yerself cold. Sounds like classic 2D idiocy to me."

"Trod on an oil slick," 2D repeated quietly to make sure he'd remember. He didn't bother to question Murdoc's desire to hide the truth. It didn't seem the least bit important amidst the slew of bigger problems – Noodle, Murdoc's ludicrous driving, his own aching body…and Russel…oh god, he'd forgotten about Russel. "Fuck…I'm toast.”

Russel, on the rare occasions he got truly angry, was almost as frightening as Murdoc in his own way, if for no other reason than that 2D hadn't the first clue of what to expect from him. Maybe Russel would never trust him around Noodle again. Maybe Russel would quit making pancakes for him. Maybe Russel wouldn't want to be his friend anymore. Maybe…Russel would break his nose like he did Murdoc's. A squeak of dread escaped 2D's parched throat as he contemplated his bleak future, friendless and disfigured and tragically void of pancakes. Then he was abruptly pulled out of his own head when the car came to a jerking halt.

Murdoc killed the engine, tossed the keys aside, and leapt out of his seat.

2D was grateful they had parked beneath an overhang, finally sheltered from the sleet. But they were also parked partway on the sidewalk, rammed up against the crumpled bumper of an ambulance, and almost completely blocking the doors. "Er…Muds –"

"Hand her over," Murdoc instructed tersely, stretching his arms out over the side of the car.

2D unbuckled both seatbelts and gingerly picked Noodle up and laid her in Murdoc's grasp.

Murdoc carefully brought her close to his chest, and then any trace of hesitancy and gentleness was gone as he swiftly turned and screamed to no one in particular, "INCOMING! Priority patient! Get yer thumbs outta yer arses and do yer friggin' jobs here, people!"

2D watched quietly as Murdoc rounded the car. He breathed a sigh of relief and let his eyes slip shut, sinking limply back against the seat.

Murdoc screeched from the entranceway, “FACEACHE – heel!”

2D jolted to life, clambered over the side of the car, and fell face first onto the pavement with a high pitched squeal. The world spun and sparkled for a moment, then he sprang to his feet and charged forward, but skidded to a halt just before the door. The automatic doors opened and closed three times while he stood there staring blankly, and then he turned around and walked away.

“Sir!”

“Crap.” He turned back and suddenly there were hands on his face and a blinding light piercing his left cornea. “AAAagh wot the –”

He tripped backward, right into the arms of a waiting orderly, who promptly deposited 2D into a wheelchair.

“Don’t – hey – get off me!”

The nurse dove back into her examination. “Can you tell me your name?”

2D swatted the nurse and her instrument away. “It’s 2D. Wotcha tryin’a do, blind me?”

“Did you say two dee?”

“Yeah Two friggin’ Dee.” He started to rise from the chair. “Can I go now?”

“Severe delirium,” the nurse mumbled to her colleague. 

He nodded in agreement and caught 2D by the shoulder and returned him to the chair.

“Hey!” 2D bared his teeth at them but they were not impressed – his snarl was about as intimidating as a Chihuahua’s. 2D pouted and let his head roll back. The hospital towered above him, casting an ominous shadow over the whole parking lot and giving him a weird sense of vertigo. He groaned and slid down in the chair, hoping that perhaps he could slide all the way to the ground and make a break for it.

The nurse’s attention fell on 2D’s bloodied sleeve. "Are you bleeding?"

"Huh?" 2D followed her gaze, then shook his head and tried to explain, "Oh. No, that ain't –" 2D saw her focus lingering on his missing teeth and he sealed his lips shut and forced a smile. His eyes darted nervously between the nurse, the orderly, and the hospital. He drummed his twitching fingers, shaking his head emphatically. "N-no. Nope. Not my blood. I…I'm fine – really."

She gave a patronizing smile. “Here, let’s get you inside.”

The orderly gave the chair a nudge forward, but 2D had dug in his heels, and it barely budged.

2D scowled and tried his best to sound commanding. “I’m fine.”

"There's no need to be scared," the nurse assured him as if addressing a small child. "Have you hit your head?"

All of 2D’s bravado melted away. "Y-I-I mean n-I mean…I trod on an oil slick.”

"Well c'mon, we'll get you fixed up, good as new."

2D shook his head again.

The nurse sighed, and nodded to the orderly. 

He shoved the chair forward despite 2D’s heels putting up resistance every inch of the way. 

2D pleaded his case as eloquently as he could manage. “No. No. No no no no noNONONO NO NOOO!”

The doors slid open and the horrid antiseptic smell filled his nose. Heads turned in his direction and he finally fell silent, and then Murdoc's raspy baritone assaulted his ears.

"No, I'm not her dad, not by blood, anyways – and I sure as shit ain't her granddad! Christ, wot the hell is wrong with you?" He glared at the receptionist and pulled a cigarette and lighter from his pocket.

"You can't smoke in here.”

"Lady, I've had wotcha might call a massive clusterfuck of a morning and I don't –"

"Put it out."

Murdoc stared her dead in the eyes and slowly sucked the cigarette halfway down to the filter in one massive breath. She stared right back, unimpressed. He stamped the cigarette out on top of her computer monitor with a menacing snarl. The smoke furling beneath his flared nostrils and the glow of his red eye lent him an eerily draconic air, but the battle-hardened receptionist didn't flinch.

"So…legal guardian of some sort, I take it?"

"Where's Noodle?" 2D called as he was wheeled up behind Murdoc.

Murdoc looked over his shoulder and sneered down at 2D. "Well, I see somebody's made himself right at home."

2D just grimaced and mouthed help me.

Murdoc cocked his head cluelessly. “Eh?”

2D growled and fidgeted restlessly in the wheelchair. He glanced around the waiting room but Noodle was nowhere in sight. "They took her away already?"

"Oh. Yeah, they work pretty fast in the emergency room. Weird, right?"

2D smiled hesitantly. "So she's gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Murdoc said, apparently unconcerned. He frowned and poked at 2D's ponytails. "Take that shit outta yer hair, already. Ya look like a friggin' nutcase.”

2D started to stand and let his ponytails out.

The nurse put a hand on 2D’s shoulder and guided him back down, studying Murdoc disapprovingly. "Are you his next of kin?"

Murdoc eyed 2D up and down then shrugged and snickered. "Yeah, I guess this lazy bag of bones belongs to me – wot's it to ya?"

The nurse reached for a pen and clipboard on the check-in desk and handed them to Murdoc. "We need to get his information.”

Murdoc dumped the items onto 2D’s lap. “So he can fill it out himself. He’s a big boy.”

"Well clearly he's had a nasty jolt to the head, so…"

“Nah, this kid’s indestructible, trust me. Ain’t that right, D?”

2D wasn’t listening.

“D?”

2D was remembering just exactly how much he disliked hospitals. The smell and the lighting were threatening to trigger a migraine any moment. There were a lot of questions being flung his direction but no one seemed the slightest bit interested in taking his answers seriously or treating him like an adult. There was a man in the waiting room with a bicycle lock caught around his neck who'd been staring at him unblinkingly since he'd come in…2D couldn't tell if he was high out of his mind, sleeping with his eyes open, or dead. But most of all, the whole ghastly place was an extremely uncomfortable reminder of the year he'd spent in a coma, and the subsequent hellish road to r–

“D!”

"Eh?”

“The paperwork,” Murdoc prompted, gesturing to the clipboard. “You remembered your alphabet flashcards, right?”

“Oh uh…I… Can’t I just skip it? I’m really, really fine.” He gestured to his eyes and mumbled to the nurse, “It ain’t as bad as it looks. My eyes been like this a couple years now."

"You have had a fall today, though?"

"W-well I guess so, but –"

“But wot? Wot the hell are you on about, Stupot?”

“Can’t I just go home?”

“…yes.”

2D leapt out of the chair with a giddy grin. “Really?”

“Well sure. Right after you see the doctor.”

2D opened his mouth to object but just then an EMT arrived on the scene and added his two cents to the conversation. "Whose car is that out front?"

"Mine," Murdoc answered, turning reluctantly to give his attention to the latest annoyance. "Why?"

"You've really done a number on my ambulance – I expect you'll have to pay damages on that. Plus you're blocking the doors. You gotta move to the parking lot."

Murdoc scoffed. "Damages?"

The EMT frowned and crossed his arms. "Yeah.”

Murdoc noticed 2D inching away from the nurse and realized that the minute he left to move the Geep, 2D would be gone in a puff of smoke. The situation was rapidly slipping out of his control and he didn't like it one bit.

"We haven't finished checking in that young lady," the receptionist reminded him. "And I'm still not really clear on how you're related to her."

"I…I feel a bit dizzy…" 2D stammered, several shades greener since he'd decided to stand.

"Sir, the car."

"We really ought to get him back to see a doctor."

"Uncle? Stepfather? Bodyguard?"

"Muds, I…I'm gonna –"

"For the love of SWEET SATAN would you all kindly shut yer fuckin' gobs fer half a second and –"

Murdoc flinched at the sensation of something wet splattering against the back of his shirt. Suddenly everyone was hushed, staring at him in shock and disgust. Murdoc narrowed his eyes and hissed, slowly turning his head to get a look. He suspected he knew what'd happened but it seemed almost too unlucky to be true.

The smell of vomit hit his nose and he felt it seeping through his shirt. "You cannot be friggin' serious. Twice, now?"

2D shakily wiped the bile from his lips and mumbled woozily, "Oh…aw shit, I…I didn't mean to –"

"You good for nothing ARSEHEAD!" Murdoc roared, wheeling on 2D and pinning him against the wall. "Gimme one good reason why I shouldn't decorate the walls with yer entrails!"

"I-I'm sorry! I didn't –"

Murdoc whisked a switchblade out of his pocket and pressed the point against 2D's flushed cheek. "I've been contemplating the Black Dahlia look fer you for quite a while now and I think it might be just about time –"

"Hand over the knife," the nurse ordered.

Murdoc tensed and hissed in annoyance.

"Don't make me call security," she threatened, voice unwavering but still not quite bold enough to step within knife's reach of him.

Murdoc felt the eyes of every person in the room boring into his back. He reluctantly released his grip on 2D's collar, folded the switchblade, and handed it off to the nurse. He chuckled awkwardly, smoothing out 2D's shirt and forcing what was intended to be a friendly smile, but his pointed and rotting teeth ensured that it came off as anything but pleasant. "Right…well…how 'bout we get him checked in, then? And perhaps somebody could rustle up a clean shirt fer me?"

The nurse sidestepped cautiously around Murdoc and gave 2D's arm a gentle tug, guiding him back to the wheelchair.

Murdoc waited impatiently for his second question to be addressed but everyone seemed to have telepathically agreed to give him another fifteen seconds worth of judgmental scowls.

The receptionist finally broke the silence. "Are you his father, then?"

Murdoc sometimes questioned whether he wasn't already in Hell.


	3. Ruddy Faker

[ ](http://s411.photobucket.com/user/cryptidcrafter/media/aint%20funny%20dickweed1_zpsv7gllqdw.png.html)

2D finally found himself smiling for the first time in the past hour. He still felt like shit, but there was something about seeing Murdoc dressed in a crisp white T-shirt that tickled him pink. The demon might as well have been wearing a wetsuit for how strange and uncomfortable he looked.

"It ain't funny, dickweed, ya ruined my favorite shirt."

2D scratched absently at the wristband he'd been tagged with after a cursory nurse consult. "Nah, that'll come off in the wash, easy. Plus, I mean…it kinda looked exactly like all your other grey tees. I know you got five more just like it."

"Well it was the best one. And I wouldn't wear it again even if it did come outta the wash alright. It's the principle of the thing – you tainted it."

2D gestured to the plastic bag Murdoc had been issued to tote the soiled shirt. "Why don'tcha just chuck it, then?"

"Figured I'd give it to Noodle for a pajama top."

"You're gonna make her wear a vomit shirt?"

"Weren't you just sayin' how it'd be fine for me to wear after a wash?"

"Well yeah, but you're…"

Murdoc gave 2D a moment to ponder that, staring at him with dead eyes. "I'm wot, faceache?"

Dirty. Smelly. Unhygienic. "You're…"

"Stuart Pot?"

"Yup!" 2D squeaked, stumbling to his feet and scuttling timidly toward the nurse.

Murdoc snorted, rising slowly. "Saved by the bell.”

2D was helped into another wheelchair and they were off.

Murdoc dashed forward and clutched at the doors. “Whoa – wait!”

“Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to step back into the waiting room.”

“Y’mean I can’t – er – never mind.” He pointed a threatening finger at 2D. “Best behavior for the nice doctors, Stupot.”

x x x

2D glared at the clock and drummed his fingers impatiently against the bedspread. The nurse had told him to expect the doctor within five minutes of changing into his hospital gown, but at this point her estimate had elapsed several times over.

He stuck out his lower lip to blow a lock of hair from his face and stared at the door, willing someone, anyone to enter and rescue him from his boredom. Murdoc had yet to make an appearance, not that 2D was especially surprised at that. He'd expected he might at least be joined by a roommate, but so far he had the whole bland, oppressively quiet room to himself.

After what felt like an eternity, he glanced back to the clock and saw that only three minutes had ticked by. "Christ…" he groaned, twisting to scratch a bothersome itch between his shoulder blades. He flinched with a gasp when a jolt of pain shot across his shoulder.

The window beckoned invitingly and he finally gave in, despite having been told to stay put on the bed. He swung his legs out from under the blanket and pushed himself up. His vision faded to a grayish blur and it seemed for a moment as if he might faint, but the feeling passed as soon as it'd arisen. He shrugged and ambled stiffly toward the window, pinching the back of the gown closed.

His room was on the second story, overlooking a small courtyard at the back of the hospital. He squinted at the only two figures daft enough to brave the cold for a smoke – Murdoc and the girl he'd decided to take a crack at. There were several rounds of cigarette butts at their feet, and she was flashing bashful smiles every time Murdoc opened his mouth.

2D briefly contemplated waving to Murdoc but thought better of it when he remembered his last attempt – Murdoc had returned the gesture, minus several fingers raised.

Murdoc leaned over to whisper in the girl's ear.

Her smile fell. She jerked back and slapped him across the face, almost hard enough to knock him over.

2D snickered and watched her storm off across the courtyard.

Murdoc didn't appear the least bit upset. In fact he just rubbed his cheek and chuckled, then shook his head and reached into his pants for another cigarette. He paused for a moment, apparently surprised by something he found there, then he pulled something dark and frilly from his pocket. He grinned and brought the item up against his face and inhaled deeply.

2D cocked his head in confusion. "Panties?"

"Good afternoon, Mister Pot."

2D reeled away from the window with a flustered blush. "I wasn't lookin' at nuffin'!"

"Right…" the doctor commented quizzically – an unsettlingly handsome man who would've fit in seamlessly with the cast of a soap opera. "Have a seat on the bed for me, please."

2D hobbled back toward the mattress and sat on the edge facing the doctor, fingers twitching in his lap.

"I'm Doctor Cho," he explained, thumbing through the papers on his clipboard. "Had a nasty fall today, have we?"

"Yup."

"How'd –"

"Oil slick," 2D answered, realizing immediately that he'd blurted it out a bit too quickly. "I uh…trod on an oil slick in the car park…cracked my head on the concrete."

"I see," Cho commented, squinting at the patient file for a moment and then peering curiously at 2D. "And your eyes – that's…unrelated? Not recent?"

"Yeah. Couple years ago, now."

"Teeth, too?"

"Yeah." 2D knew he was coming off a bit unfriendly but he also knew that going into detail on this subject just spawned more questions.

"Quite a few prescriptions here – chronic pain from the injuries?"

"A little, I guess, but mostly migraines – get 'em pretty bad almost every day. And the other stuff's like…if I can't sleep…or if I'm sleepin' too much…or mood stuff, for feelin' too worried or too down…mostly down…sometimes I get kinda…" 2D reminded himself of his goal – get out and go home home – and bit the inside of his cheek. He was glad Murdoc had coached him to always lie about the other kind of drugs, otherwise he'd have been stuck talking to the doctor the rest of the afternoon. "Well anyways, I been takin' it all for years and I feel fine, usually. I mean…I felt kinda dizzy and…pukey, earlier, but I'm alright now."

The doctor waited a few seconds to be sure 2D had exhausted his supply of monologue. "Alright, well, I'm going to do a couple simple tests."

"Okay…" 2D consented, watching warily as Cho set his clipboard aside and warmed his stethoscope in his hand.

The doctor opened the back of 2D's gown and paused, studying the spot 2D had scratched raw over the past hour. "How long have you had the rash?"

"Oh uh…not long – like just since I got here, I 'fink," 2D said, adding apprehensively, "Why, does it look pretty bad?"

"I don't think it'd look like much of anything if you'd let it alone – probably just an insect bite or a minor allergic reaction to something at the hospital. We'll get you something for it before you check out."

"Thanks."

"Sure. Now, deep breaths for me…"

x x x

Murdoc let himself into the room without a knock, greeting curtly, "Dents."

"Uhrdoc," 2D attempted to answer over the stick of wood pressed halfway down his throat. He saw Murdoc ogle the doctor up and down, and started a mental countdown. Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight…

Cho pried his eyesfrom 2D's tonsils for a moment. "Next of kin?"

"Yeah. Wot's up, doc?"

2D thought that was roaringly funny.

Murdoc scowled, slightly embarrassed. But he'd seen the doctor crack a smile.

Fifteen, fourteen, thirteen…

"We're just about finished here," said Cho, turning back to 2D.

"Take your time," Murdoc purred, pacing the length of the room, exuding nonchalance.

Four, three, two…

Murdoc sneakily sidled up alongside the doctor and feigned interest in 2D for a moment, then waggled his eyebrows and snickered quietly out of the corner of his mouth. "Say, uh…doctor, doctor, gimme the c–"

"Wrong tree," the doctor stated flatly, keeping his eyes on his patient.

2D gave a tickled snort and managed to pass it off as a stifled sneeze.

Murdoc slowly sidled back the way he'd come. "Cannot catch a friggin' break today."

2D winced as Cho prodded at the base of his skull.

Cho concluded, "Well, you don't appear to be in too bad a shape, but I think we ought to do an MRI – can't be too careful with a head injury. It's a bit difficult to get a read on your pupils, anyhow."

"Wot's a uh…CSI…?"

"MRI," Murdoc corrected scornfully. "It's like a fancy x-ray."

2D looked to Cho for confirmation.

"Something like that," Cho agreed.

A nurse entered and exchanged a few words with the doctor, and then began prepping 2D's bed to be wheeled out.

"Say, doc?" said Murdoc. "We came here with a little Japanese kid – haven't gotten any word since they took her –"

"She's fine. We're putting her in this room as well, once she's out of post-op."

2D gave a giddy laugh.

"Right," said Murdoc. "Well, I'm gonna wait here for her if it's all the same to you."

Cho nodded. "Shouldn't be more than an hour, for both of them."

"An hour?" Murdoc scoffed.

"Give or take."

Murdoc ground his teeth together. "Peachy."

x x x

"Gyaaaaaahhhh…" Murdoc groaned, tearing at his hair and pacing across the room for what may well have been the hundredth time. "An hour," he said, gnashing his teeth at the clock as he passed by it once more. "Give or take…yeah… Give or take wot – several lunar cycles?"

His unoccupied fingers twitched restlessly. He strode to the window and glared down at the courtyard, weighing his options, and finally decided that he had to tough it out. He resumed pacing. "Fuckin' Dents. Fuckin' lardass. Fuckin'…fuck."

He'd sworn he wouldn't lower himself to watching the dreaded idiot box, but the remote was calling his name louder and louder. "Fuck," he said again, reaching for it and flopping into a chair. "Hate it. Seen it. Hate him. Hate her. Pfft…Music TV my arse…"

Eighty channels later and he was thoroughly reassured that he was justified in loathing the boob tube, with the exception of programming that actually included boobs. Sadly, the hospital hadn't seen fit to subscribe to any such interesting channels. He shut the TV off and tossed the remote onto the floor, rapping his nails against the armrests.

Suddenly a thought occurred to him and he dug out his phone. He rattled off a quick text to Russel just before the battery died. Then it was back to wearing scuffs across the linoleum.

Finally he stopped and flung open the cabinet nearest to him, looking for nothing in particular. There were towels, coat hangers, plastic bags, and…several-hundred miniature paper cups.

x x x

"The M don't stand for microwave, right?" 2D questioned, glancing around at the arch of white plastic that completely filled his restricted view, listening to the mysterious mechanical hum that seemed to come from every direction at once. "'Cause uh…this thing kinda looks like a microwave…for a giant…from the future…or outer space…or –"

"Please try to keep your head still," the unfortunate technician said through the intercom.

"I seen Muds put a rat through the microwave one time and it only lasted a couple seconds 'fore it –"

"Please," she insisted. "We're going to have to do this over again if you don't stop moving your head."

"Sorry."

"It's fine, just…keep quiet for a minute, alright?"

"Yeah."

The dim room was ominously quiet except for the whirr of the machine…for all of ten seconds.

"What does the M stand for?"

2D thought he heard the word murder growled quietly amidst a string of curses.

x x x

Murdoc heard the door open and faltered in his knife game, nicking his finger. "Gah – finally," he muttered, sucking at the blood. "Sweet Satan, wot took ya so fuckin' – oh. Hey, Noods."

"Hallo," Noodle answered cheerily from her bed as she was wheeled into the room.

"How's the noggin'?" Murdoc asked, motioning to the square of gauze taped against her forehead as he stepped up to her bedside.

"No hurt," she said, giving a strange laugh that indicated to Murdoc they had her on some pretty decent painkillers.

"She had to get a couple stitches but it'll heal up very quickly," the nurse said as she fiddled with the IV. "Are you the father?"

Murdoc shrugged in defeat. "Sure."

"We don't get many children so well behaved – she's been my easiest patient all day."

"Can't say I'm surprised." Murdoc chuckled, patting Noodle's shoulder.

Noodle beamed and then caught sight of the massive column of paper cups stacked exactingly atop the writing desk. She clapped her hands together and crooned, "Aaah…magnifique, Murdoc-san."

"Huh?" He turned to squint at his creation and realized she'd mistaken his monument for the Eiffel Tower. "Oh, that." He snickered. "Yeah…not half bad, if I do say so myself. Who says Jamie's got a monopoly on the art shit, eh?"

x x x

2D felt like the victim of some cruelly ironic prank. Hospitals were supposed to make people feel better, right?

His shoulder felt like tenderized steak, his back was aflame with that maddening itch and now – oh joy – something new. He was getting tired – so overwhelmingly tired that he might've been worried about keeping his eyes open…except he was also painfully hungry.

He clutched his stomach and asked the orderly wheeling his bed down the hallway, "D'you know if that doohickey can kinda…mess up your insides?"

"Don't think so. That thing's pretty safe, 'less you've got a plate in your head."

"How the heck would I fit a plate in there?" 2D asked through a yawn.

They approached the room and quietly pushed inside. 2D spotted Noodle, flanked at either shoulder by Murdoc and a nurse. He grinned and threw both arms in the air, whooping, "Noodle!"

Murdoc and the nurse both shushed 2D and glared at him for a moment. Then they directed their attention back to Noodle and her stunningly accurate paper cup replica of the Colosseum laid out across the bed's folding tray.

Noodle flashed a radiant smile. "2D-chan."

"You alright?" 2D asked, adding without waiting for an answer, "I'm real sorry. Did they put ya through that microwave x-ray 'fing too? They keep tellin' me it's safe but I feel pretty weird. Did ya hafta get –"

"Shaddup and let her finish," Murdoc interrupted, poised eagerly with an armful of paper cups like a surgeon's assistant.

2D ignored him and repeated, "You're really alright?"

"Hai," Noodle confirmed, giving a thumbs up. "All right as rain."

2D stumbled out of bed despite a snort of disapproval from the orderly. He took a step toward Noodle, outstretched arms and goofy grin inviting a hug. Again his vision dimmed and his balance faltered, but this time he finally did faint. He fell against the nurse – she was very petite and it looked something like a circus tent collapsing atop a mouse. She gave a muffled yell and together they tripped clumsily sideways, managing to avoid involving Noodle but crushing her paper masterpiece.

"Ah – aww!" Murdoc groaned, tossing aside what would've been the final bricks in the wall. He eyed the limp waltz 2D was engaged in with the nurse and waved his arms in exasperation. "Get the hell off her, Dentface! Another couple seconds and I wouldn't blame her one bit if she sued for sexual harassment."

Noodle watched the show with an amused grin.

The orderly decided to do something actually helpful and pulled 2D back onto his own bed, tucking him in tight.

2D murmured a few confused, half coherent syllables.

The nurse straightened her shirt and gave a nod of dismissal to the orderly. She started ask if 2D was alright, but he was out like a light again, slack-jawed with a bead of drool forming at the corner of his mouth. She shook his shoulder. "Sir? Can you hear me?" No response, so she pressed a thumb against his eyebrow and forced his eye open. "Wot the…?" she said quietly, noticing his peculiar eyes for the first time since he'd entered the room. She checked the other eye and started to panic a little.

"They're supposed to be like that," Murdoc explained from over her shoulder.

She flinched, not sure how he'd managed to sneak up so quietly in those hard-soled heels. She leaned away from the jarring combination of jagged teeth and mismatched eyes. "Wot…uh…supposed to?"

"Yeah," Murdoc elaborated helpfully. "So, wot's the matter with him? I mean, besides the obvious?"

2D started to stir again, weakly swatting the nurse's hand off his face.

The nurse shook her head and gathered her composure, concluding, "He probably just stood up too fast. We'll know more when the doctor comes back."

Murdoc reached past her to snap his fingers next to 2D's ear. "Oi faceache, quit bein' so friggin' overdramatic – we ain't buyin' it."

2D sucked a heavy breath through his nose, straining to keep his head from bobbing exhaustedly. "Nngh…wot 'appened?"

"You passed out for a moment but you're alright now," said the nurse. "Would you like a glass of water?"

2D couldn't answer through a gaping yawn.

Murdoc flicked a finger against 2D's forehead. "Wakey wakey, Stu-pot."

The nurse cautiously nudged Murdoc aside and addressed 2D sympathetically. "I'll get you some water. How's your stomach? Think you could keep a popsicle down?"

"Y-yeah…" 2D answered less than confidently.

"Great – I'll be back in a minute."

The room was quiet in her wake. 2D thought he saw Murdoc give him a look that read ever so slightly concerned, but he blinked and it was gone.

"2D," Noodle whispered, cupping her hand beside her mouth as if she had a juicy secret to share.

2D straightened to get a view past Murdoc. "Eh?"

Noodle alternated between a frown and a smile, searching for words. "Two Dents," she restated, pointing at 2D's face. She turned the gesture on herself and snickered drunkenly. "One dent. Noodle – 1D."

2D took a moment to process Noodle's cryptic message and then finally shook his head and grinned broadly. "Ha! Aw that's brilliant. Muds, did you hear that?"

"Yeah."

"She's like a mini 2–"

"Thank you, Stu-pot, I got it." Murdoc sighed, palming his face theatrically.

"Wot's eatin' you?" 2D whined, disappointed that Murdoc wasn't as tickled as the two of them.

"Oh, nothin'. Just had a brief vision of the apocalypse flash before my eyes, is all. Another Dentface…Satan help us…"

2D peeked past Murdoc to share a mutual scoff with Noodle at the demon's huffy attitude. He noticed Murdoc squinting in suspicion at the wordless exchange. "Er…where's that nurse wif' the water?" 2D said, giving a parched cough and licking his lips. "Ain'tcha at least supposedta get a lollipop when ya visit the doctor?"

"This ain't a checkup, minibrain.”

The nurse returned and handed 2D a cup of water and a popsicle, and then set about clearing up the mess of paper cups scattered across Noodle's bed and the floor.

2D wasn't especially fond of the flavor green, but he was hungry enough he'd have eaten dirt if it came with dipping sauce.

Murdoc watched as 2D licked…and sucked…and gradually the demon grew uncomfortably hot. He paced several times around the bed, growling quietly through clenched teeth. "Alright, alright," he finally snapped, whisking the popsicle out of 2D's grasp. "I think you've had enough."

"Wha– but…" 2D spluttered, grabbing for the popsicle.

Murdoc stepped back and chomped the whole thing off the stick in one bite, swallowing it quickly.

"Wot the hell, Murdoc?!" 2D objected, flabbergasted.

Murdoc tossed the stick aside, licked his lips, and grinned deviously. But it was only a few seconds before the brainfreeze hit, tainting his victory. He strained to hold the grin but it slowly crumbled into a pained grimace and an agonized groan.

2D wasn't sure whether to be amused or intimidated. "W…wot's that face supposedta be?"

Murdoc rubbed his hand in a slow circle across his forehead, all his features scrunched up in pain. "Shaddup. Just…be quiet for two friggin' seconds, will ya? I'm sick of the sound of your voice."

2D was too puzzled to be offended. "I…I'm sorry…? I guess…?"

"Don't be sorry, be quiet!"

"Sor…" 2D bit his lip and then sighed and added quietly, "dunno wot I even did wrong…seems like you're just actin' weird for no good reason."

"Shut. It. Faceache. Gawd…quit bein' mean to me, I'm a delicate flower…fetch me food and drink, the princess demands sustenance…where's my lollipop, I'm five years old…"

"I never said half that stuff."

"Why can'tcha be more like Noodle? Huh? She ain't got a friggin' lollipop either but ya don't hear her raising a stink about it." He cast his gaze on the young guitarist and said pridefully, "Kid's takin' all this like a champ, as a matter of fact." He looked at 2D and frowned again. "You're a menace, ya know that?"

"I'm sorry!"

Murdoc grabbed 2D's chin and roughly directed his attention toward the neighboring bed. "I'm not the one you oughtta be sayin' it to!"

Noodle studied her bickering bandmates with a questioning smile.

2D smiled in return and waved to Noodle, attempting to shield her from Murdoc's unpleasantness. "I already said sorry to her, too."

"Well say it again, faceache," Murdoc commanded, shifting his grip from 2D's chin to the back of his neck. "Seems only fair, seein' as you prob'ly messed her up for life. If we're real lucky she'll get off with just a scar."

2D swallowed fearfully, picturing the worst case scenario outcomes of Murdoc's prognosis. He picked at a loose thread in the sheets and looked anywhere but into Noodle's eyes. "Noods, I…I'm really, really sorry."

"For…?" Murdoc prodded insistently, digging his nails into 2D's skin.

"For…" 2D searched, wincing. "For hurtin' your head. And makin' ya go to the hospital."

"You forgot I'm sorry I've got the spatial awareness of a blind armadillo and I'm sorry I break everything I lay my hands on."

"Oh. Yeah," 2D agreed solemnly, "I guess I'm sorry for that stuff, too."

"Better yet, how 'bout I'm sorry for bein' an all-around shitty big brother to ya, Noods."

2D's nose started to run and he hastily wiped it, knowing he'd really get it from Murdoc if he let the bassist see him cry.

Noodle hated to see 2D so upset and she gathered Murdoc was the cause of it, as usual. "2D-chan," she said with a placating smile, but 2D still refused eye contact. She looked at Murdoc as if he'd punched a kitten.

Murdoc scoffed, throwing up his hands and then gesturing accusingly at 2D. "Wotcha lookin' at me like that for? He's the one who –"

There was a dramatic series of thuds and clatters in the hallway, followed by the brief exchange of a few hostile words, one voice distinctly familiar.

2D cowered.

Noodle grinned.

Murdoc also grinned, but the effect was rather different. "Oho…Dents. Brace yourself."

The door burst open and there was Russel, out of breath and hopped-up on adrenaline. His gaze flitted around the room and landed on Noodle.

"Russel-sama!"

He rushed forward and bent over Noodle, completely ignoring 2D and Murdoc. He ghosted his fingers over the bandage, murmuring what little Japanese he'd picked up, between frantic pleas in English. "…Jesus I was so worried…you alright? You okay?"

"Hai, yes, very okay." Noodle patted his arm reassuringly and then stretched upward to throw her arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug.

Russel hesitated to return the embrace, glancing uncertainly to the nurse.

She nodded, thankful for the arrival of an apparently sane parent-figure.

Russel breathed a sigh of relief and wrapped Noodle tight in his arms.

"Hello to you too, Russ," said Murdoc, snorting and looking to 2D. "What are we, chopped li– hrmm…"

2D had nodded off again, relaxed and relieved now that it seemed apparent Russel wasn't in any hurry to disembowel him.

"…s-squish…" Noodle choked out, tapping Russel on the shoulder to no effect.

"Er…" the nurse mumbled, "perhaps you'd better –"

"Russ," Murdoc huffed.

Russel didn't let up.

Noodle still wore an affectionate smile but her eyes were starting to look as if they might pop out of her skull.

"Russ!" Murdoc snapped, whacking the back of Russel's bald dome. "Let go of her, ya ruddy leviathan!"

Russel released Noodle and turned toward Murdoc with a bone chilling expression to match his voice. "What happened?"

All confidence melted out of Murdoc's posture. He chuckled nervously and took a step back, pointing to 2D.

Russel stepped up to 2D's bed, crossing his arms and demanding, "Well?"

2D replied with a loud snore.

Russel gave a hollow laugh, dumbstruck. He snarled and hoisted 2D partway off the bed by the front of his hospital gown. "What, you think this is a joke?!"

2D woke with a yelp. He glanced back and forth between Russel and Murdoc, struggling to catch up with current events. "Wot – wot'd I do?!"

Russel shook him hard, baring his teeth. "I dunno, D, what did you do?!"

2D threw his hands over his nose and shook his head frantically. "I don't wanna look like Murdoc!"

"Eh?" Murdoc questioned.

The nurse stepped over and spoke up. "Sir – sir you really can't do that. Put him down, please."

Russel grudgingly lowered 2D back onto the bed. Rather than repeating the question he simply scowled and cracked his knuckles.

2D swallowed hard, trying to keep from hyperventilating. When he was calm enough to speak he finally said, very quietly, "We were just playin'…"

"And?"

"And…she ran into a door – er…I was the one runnin', she was kinda just along for the ride, sittin' up on my shoulders. I don't really remember why anymore."

Russel's jaw clenched tight and 2D felt compelled to wrap up his story in a hurry.

"W-well anyways, she banged her head pretty hard on the…not the door, the uh…"

"Frame," Murdoc suggested.

"Yeah."

"That don't explain what happened to you," Russel commented dryly.

"Oh. Well I went to get help and I…" 2D looked to Murdoc and got a glare that made him feel slightly sick. He wrung the sheets into a knot and continued, "I trod on an oil slick and I hit my head and that's all I remember before Muds woke me up and tossed me in the car and drove us here and – and…" He bit his lip to keep it from quivering and then blurted out, "Oh god – I'm sorry! I messed her up for life!"

Russel looked questioningly to Murdoc – he'd meant to scare some remorse into 2D but this reaction seemed a bit too much, too fast.

Murdoc shrugged. "'Fraid you're a bit late to the grillin', Russ. Already got Dents pretty well done, as it were."

Russel stood frowning contemplatively.

2D couldn't take the silence. "A-are you angry wif' me?"

Russel wanted to be mad, but the way 2D was looking at him made it really difficult. "I dunno…seems like it was an accident, it's just… I'm not gonna say you're an idiot. But damn, man…sometimes you sure do act like one."

2D gasped like he'd been skewered through the heart.

Murdoc shook 2D's shoulder mock-playfully, snickering uncontrollably. "Ooh, right to the gut with that one, eh Dents?"

2D gritted his teeth and blinked back tears.

"Russel's not mad," Murdoc continued, "he's just really disappointed."

2D cried out from anger and sadness and just the general feeling that he never should've gotten out of bed that morning.

Murdoc cackled – in his element.

Russel finally took pity on 2D. "Ease up, Muds."

"Wha…?" Murdoc questioned, confused and disappointed, and then he quickly defaulted to anger. "Ease up? Ha! This from the guy who was practically strangling the dullard not five minutes ago!"

"Yeah well…that was then, and now I think maybe 2D's had enough. Just look at him."

"Look at him? Look at Noodle! He broke her, lards, he broke your precious angel!"

"Ain't like he did it on purpose. Right?"

2D shook his head emphatically.

"And Noodle ain't broken or messed up for life or whatever else you been guilt trippin' him with. So why you gotta keep making a bad situation worse, playin' games just to watch him suffer?"

"Hey, I been sufferin' here too – ya think I'm wearin' this crap voluntarily?"

"White shirt. Yeah, now that's real hardship. Stay strong, man."

"Well if ya wanna get smart about it, fine. I been puked on – twice so far today – doused in beer, chased by the police, fined by the hospital, waited 'round this miserable dump with nothin' to do for…I've lost track of how many hours, now. But by all means, let's have a pity party for the dullard. Never mind that he's the reason we're all here in the first place."

2D mumbled a barely audible apology and wiped his nose again.

Russel scoffed. "Muds, again, could you maybe quit bein' so – so –"

"Yeah, c'mon, lay it on me – so wot?"

"So you. Quit bein' yourself for like, five minutes, would ya?"

Murdoc gave a cheeky smile and half-hugged Russel with one arm. "Aw, you know you love me, lards. No use fightin' it."

"Get your greasy claws off me 'fore I show you just how much I love you."

"Hey I'm game if you are, but uh…I call top bunk, if you catch my drift."

"You're 'bout to get puked on a third time."

There was a knock at the door and Doctor Cho poked his head in. He started to give a greeting but paused to try to make sense of the tense atmosphere surrounding 2D's bed. "Hello…?"

"Hello," Russel echoed. He expected Murdoc to let go of him but the demon just grinned and hugged tighter like a boa constrictor. Russel gave a resigned sigh and addressed Cho. "You her doctor?"

"No, uh…that'd be Doctor Pike – she performed the surgery."

Russel flashed Murdoc a disgruntled glare. "This's the first I'm hearin' 'bout any surgery."

Murdoc finally allowed Russel a bit of personal space.

"Just three stitches," said the nurse.

"Right," Russel muttered, exhaling slowly. He forced a smile and a nod to Cho and then turned to get a closer look at Noodle, followed by Murdoc and the nurse.

Cho felt deprived of a proper introduction but he focused on his patient and asked, "So…how're you feeling? Head not too sore? No more nausea?"

2D was more interested in the discussion surrounding Noodle than his own condition. "Huh? Oh…" He rolled his head experimentally, shrugged, then winced. "Well, I'm used to my head hurtin' mosta the time anyways, but my shoulder's pretty sore. Plus I'm really…" He yawned. "…really tired."

"Ah, well –"

"And hungry…and…"

Cho clasped his hands behind his back and smiled patronizingly.

2D didn't like that kind of smile but it seemed like he saw it all too often. He finished quietly, "My back's still itchy."

"Let's have a look," Cho said, placing a hand on 2D's shoulder to lean him forward and open the back of his gown again. "You've been scratching less – that's good. Looks like a cluster of blackheads now that I can see it more clearly."

"Eh?"

"Acne. I brought you a rash cream." He took a tube of medication from his coat pocket and set it on the bed. "It might not be worth trying. Use your own judgement."

"Right..."

"As far as tiredness and hunger are concerned, that sounds like pretty standard fare for somebody who's spent all afternoon cooped up at the hospital. I don't think it's any cause for concern, or at least, it's not related to your head injury. Obviously there's brain damage, but it all appears to be several years old."

"Oh."

Cho started in with a more detailed explanation of 2D's MRI results. 2D quickly tuned him out after he started using big words like occipital.

Russel and Murdoc were still going at it.

"Noods hurt hosp," Russel read from his phone. "Kinda vague, don'tcha think? Couldn't even be bothered to finish typin' hospital? Which hospital woulda been nice, too."

"Hey, ya found the place just fine, didn'tcha?"

"Hurt. That's all I got to go on – just hurt. I scrambled over here psyched up for anything from a sprained ankle to critical condition!"

"She's fine, alright? Dunno why you're tryin' so hard to pick a fight with me – if anything I oughtta be tearin' into you. I mean who was it that left Noodle alone with the dullard in the first place?"

"Alright, yeah, that's on me. But you were home too – seems like you coulda helped watch her if you weren't off doin'…whatever it is you do out there in that rusty old pimpmobile."

"I didn't even know you were out! Nobody tells me nothin'!"

"We quit trying once we figured out you never listen to a word that ain't coming out your own mouth."

"Ugh…wotever… I ain't sharing the blame on this whichever way you slice it. Divvy it up between you and 2D and Noodle."

"Noodle?!"

"Yes, Noodle!"

"Nani?" Noodle questioned.

The nurse frowned at Murdoc and Russel. They both smiled sheepishly and then shuffled away from the bed toward the far corner.

"Now," Murdoc continued, "bullshit aside, she did climb up on his shoulders, and she did hang on while he was racin' 'round like a junkie after a fix. Childish, it was."

"She is a child."

"No, see, she ain't – not really. She's a mature, intelligent, mini adult 'til she's left alone with the dullard – key words here, with the dullard. He's got childishness enough for the both of them. If you'd have left her home alone – really alone, as in, several rooms removed from 2D – she'd have been just fine. But hey, if you're so unshakably convinced she's too little to leave unattended for two seconds, why don'tcha hire a friggin' nanny already?"

"Three adults to one kid!" The word adults warranted air quotes. "Shouldn't hafta add any goddamn nanny to that equation. You wanna talk about bullshit, how 'bout the fact that you ain't pullin' your weight at home – not even close – and I don't think you could come up with a legit excuse if you tried. I mean at least with 2D I can sorta understand, seein' as he's…" Russel caught himself before he said something he'd regret.

"Oh lord, you gotta let me fill in that blank. So many possibilities…"

"Pretty sure he can hear us."

"Yeah." Murdoc chuckled. "But let's talk a bit louder just to be sure."

"You're real funny."

"Yeah, well…you're no fun."

"Ain't nobody thinks this is fun or funny but you."

"Gawd, you are just irritability incarnate today. Wot's the matter, skipped your second breakfast, did ya?"

"Man, ain't you got any sorta brain to mouth filter?"

"Aw blow it out your ar–"

"Filter…?"

"Filter this, arseface!"

Cho leaned toward 2D and asked quietly, keeping his eyes on the men bickering across the room, "Are those two a couple?"

"A couple of wot?"

Cho opened and closed his mouth uncertainly.

"Oh. Ohhh…" 2D's face turned red from the strain of holding back a fit of laughter. "Nah, they sure do like to yell at each other like they been married twenty years, though."

"They fight like this a lot in front of her?"

"Well…yeah, but me and Noodle kinda just tune it out. It don't really bother her. Plus our place is really big, so it's easy enough to find a quiet room."

"Huh…" Cho was skeptical, but Noodle appeared to be more amused than upset, so he dropped the subject and tried to recall where he'd left off discussing 2D's prognosis. "Anyhow, uh…d'you have any questions?"

"When do I get to go home?"

Cho chuckled understandingly. "Sorry, probably should've opened with that. You're cleared to check out any time you please."

"Wait, so…that scan was just for my head, right? Wot about the other stuff? Not that I don't wanna go home, it's just…I'm kinda worried maybe that machine messed somefin' up."

"The MRI machine?"

"Yeah. I know it's supposta be safe or whatever, it's just…" 2D waffled between his desire to get treatment and his longing to go home. "I dunno, I just feel really…off."

"Usually when people tell me that, it turns out they're getting the flu."

"Nah, it don't feel like that."

"I see." Cho wasn't sure what else he could say without sounding condescending. His nincompoop patient was startlingly underweight and practically trembling for want of a cigarette or a mug full of pills, to say nothing of the missing teeth, brain damage, and eyes clouded over nearly pitch black with blood. Off was a staggering understatement.

Murdoc gave an especially ear piercing squawk, derailing their conversation. "UGH! You would bring up the chicken incident again. It was one time!"

"There was blood everywhere, you crazy-ass m–"

"Ah! Filter, Russ. Shame on you."

Russel shoved Murdoc.

Murdoc shoved back.

Cho offered distractedly, "Look, why don't you go ahead and try the ointment on your back? And I'm sure you'll feel more alert once you get up and move around a bit and get some food in you. But if you still feel off in another day or two, you can always come back and see us."

2D wasn't sure how to feel about the doctor's apparent lack of concern. He shrugged and sighed. "Alright, well…thanks, doc."

"Sure thing," Cho said, stepping forward unenthusiastically to break up the brawl.

x x x

"Wot a colossal waste of time," Murdoc said as he approached the Geep. "I knew ya didn't need to see a doctor, ya ruddy faker."

"Faker?" 2D scoffed as they settled into the car. "I had a bump on my head too, even if it were't as bad as Noodle's." He fidgeted unhappily. “Christ, my back’s killin’ me.”

Murdoc offered no response except to toss the vomit shirt sack onto 2D's lap.

2D batted it gingerly onto the floor.

Murdoc snickered and started the car.

2D sighed and took out his tin of painkillers and downed three dry, enough to dull his whole body and the itch along with it. He sank low in the seat and strapped his seatbelt as the car began to speed and swerve out of the lot, and then traded the tin for the prescription salve and waved it around. "Look – the doc gave me a fancy rash cream an' everyfin'. Ain't fakin' nothin'."

"Lemme see."

2D handed it over and Murdoc promptly chucked it out the side of the car without so much as glancing at it. 2D opened his mouth to give a cry of protest, but after a moment he simply crossed his arms and sighed unhappily. "Guess I shoulda seen that comin'."

"Yup. You should've."

2D's stomach growled and his mind rapidly switched gears. "Hey, can we stop someplace for a bite? I'm starvin'."

"You're always starvin' – don'tcha ever get just plain hungry?"

"I dunno. Oh – let's get ice cream!"

"You just had ice cream not thirty minutes ago."

"Wot, the popsicle? That ain't ice cream."

"Dunno wot else you'd call it."

"Just…ice? It ain't got the cream part, I don't 'fink, so –"

"Drop it, faceache," Murdoc said, pulling a cigarette from his pocket.

"Well wotever you wanna call it, I only got a couple bites worth before you –"

"We're goin' straight home and that's that," Murdoc said with a dismissive wave of his hand…leaving no hands to drive as the other one lit his cigarette.

2D grabbed the wheel while Murdoc supplied more than enough acceleration. "Oi! Would ya mind drivin' a bit more careful this time? I already got one head injury today!"

Murdoc gave a hearty laugh, thoroughly enjoying himself. He let 2D handle the steering the rest of the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I have another chapter saved somewhere, will post it ASAP


End file.
